Travels With My Son

I had just attended a womens’ circle for womb healing, intended to help us become more in tune with our inner selves and our creativity, as well as healing past trauma and releasing emotional blockages. It was pretty woo woo even by my standards, but seven months on from the reality shattering stillbirth of my beautiful son Stewie and struggling to trust that my body would ever manage a healthy pregnancy, or that my judgement would ever keep a child safe, I was at the point that I would try anything. 

I went in to it with an open mind, and what transpired was that 12 incredible women gathered in a safe space with the intention of healing and releasing feelings and experiences that no longer served us. We were supported with reiki and sound healing, and guided through meditation, movement, and breathwork. Throughout, we were encouraged to talk and share. Whether or not you consider yourself to be an especially spiritual person (I probably sit around the middle of the scale), I think this could only be considered a good recipe for wellbeing and growth. 

Immediately after the womens’ circle, even though I knew things weren’t magically fixed and I would never ‘get over’ or ‘let go’ of the loss of my son, I nonetheless felt lighter, less alone, more inspired. I somehow had more trust and confidence in myself (although that does of course still ebb and flow), and the heavy fog I had been living under for seven months was beginning to slowly lift. 

I had come to the realisation that for months, or even years, I’d had so many unshared thoughts and feelings swirling around in my head that they were causing an emotional blockage in me, stopping me being able to let go of control and accept that life will take its course. Journalling had been recommended to me, but I just felt like I would be putting words into the abyss. 

Then the idea of Travels With My Son, which had been percolating in my mind for several weeks – although as a practical creative project rather than a website – became firmly lodged in my head. 

A few days after the womens’ circle I woke up and immediately knew I had found a true sense of purpose again. I just knew I needed to share what was in my head and camera roll, and if doing that could help even one person feel less alone, then how incredible would that be. I also knew that I wanted the ability to share my experiences with people outside of my immediate circle in a format that could convey more than an Instagram post, and that’s why I decided to start this website. 

Within half an hour of waking I’d taken the plunge and bought my website domain and hosting for three years, and set up a new Instagram account – all whilst still in my pyjamas. I felt more clarity that morning than I had in seven months and I couldn’t wait to get started. In fact I’d already written so much I couldn’t put together a draft website fast enough to keep up. I decided to start by publishing a few posts but I have so many more ready to go. 

I didn’t have a timeline or even a clear plan – I didn’t want to put any pressure on myself as that wasn’t the point of this.

I simply wanted to get what was in my head out of it, and create a space to bring together my experiences, inspiration, creations and learnings from a life that for six years had been completely reshaped by grief following the sudden death of my father, and then five and a half years after that life-changing loss, decisively pushed off a proverbial cliff when my son died. 

That meant that from that first frenzied morning of action it took me almost three months to hit the publish button on this website, which I don’t feel at all bad about. I still don’t know if I have a solid plan for this, other than I know I want to keep writing, creating and sharing. It certainly has been a huge help to me already, and I hope it might be to others as well.

So thank you for being here, whether or not you have experienced the profound pain of loss – of a loved one, or a life you thought you would have.

Travels With My Son isn’t just for people who have been thrown into a life of deep grief, and I hope it might provide wider inspiration as well. And if you aren’t here because you’ve experienced loss yourself, perhaps some of what I share could help you to support someone who has, or you could point them in this direction. As well as different types of content on the blog, you can find some resources that could be helpful here.

But if you’re reading this because you are in the trenches of grief, are just about managing to poke your head above ground level, and especially if you’ve experienced the utterly unthinkable and immeasurable pain of losing a child, I’m so deeply sorry you’re in this boat too. I just hope that by reading these words you will know that everything you’re feeling is completely ‘normal’, and you absolutely are not alone. 

If you would like to read more about the experiences that led me to start Travels With My Son and what my hopes for the website are, you can find out more on the About page here.

This photo was taken at St. Michael’s Mount in Cornwall six weeks after the stillbirth of my beautiful son Stewie. You can find a guide to our most special places in Cornwall here.